Anyone got a banana??

Can Rachel tame her inner chimp before Sunday?


So here we are, 38 hours before the start of my first full marathon, and I am FREAKING OUT!!!!!! I have found that negative thoughts and feelings have been creeping in a lot during the last few training runs, to the point that I had seriously considered pulling out of Sundays Yorkshire Marathon. I had entered in secret, and didn't tell a lot of people that I was doing it, so it would have been very easy. No shame, no recrimination. However a little voice in the back of my head kept insisting, you can do it, you know you can. When I ran the simply glorious Royal Parks Foundation Half Marathon a couple of weeks ago I ran at a nice slow leisurely pace and honestly felt that I a good few miles in the legs left at the end of the race. So how could I silence the voice in my head that was saying don't do it , your insane, ooh cake etc etc.

I decided to finally get round to reading the Chimp Paradox by Dr Steve Peters. To fellow Sheffield Medical Graduates he is the undergraduate dean who spent most of his lectures telling us "your all going to be doctors" and "I am not your dad"(right on both counts there Steve!), to everyone else he is the sports psychologist behind the success of the British cycling team. His premis is simple, in your head there are two distinct entities, the human; logical, pragmatic and responsible for the person you are and who you want to be, and the chimp; emotional, paranoid, irrational and responsible for making sure your survive long enough in the jungle to produce offspring. The chimp is the negative being, overcautious and makes decisions based on feelings and assumptions. Its the voice in your head that tells you you cant do something, senses danger when there is none and generally gets up to all sorts of nonsense if you don't keep it in check. The human is the logical rational part of you, but it is weaker than the chimp, so you need to manage your chimp so your inner human can break out. It would seem therefore that I have a very healthy chimp.

While rational Rachel tries to offer encouragement and re-assurance, the chimp is busy jumping up and down screaming helpful comments like, "your going to die, 26.2 miles, your insane, think of your feet, nooooooooooo" The book offers helpful tips on how to manage your chimp, but none of them seem to involve my preferred method of a tranquiliser dart. The Yorkshire Marathon Team have been sending us daily emails this week, one of which also dealt with the psychology of 26.2 miles. One of the pieces of advice given is to have a simple mantra to repeat to yourself. I have thought about what my mantra will be, immediate possibilities that spring to mind are "I'm insane" "ouch this hurts" or my personal favourite "Taxi please" (BAD CHIMP). After discussion with the two younger members of Team Little Legs, we have decided on "Just keep Running", said in the same way Dory from finding nemo says "just keep swimming".

So final preparations are in full swing, I have perfected my play list, packed my case and decided on my target time. I want to get round in less than five and a half hours. This may sound like a long time, but for me its a realistic target. If this goes for plan I will aim for sub five hour in London. To York I go, I have my I-pod, my running vest and my mantra ready, and just to be on the safe side, I will take a banana in case my chimp kicks off at mile 18.

Wish me luck!!!!!!!
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London Calling ....

Rachel will get her moment on the mall

Hi guys, Long time no blog!

(Warning, over tired grumpy girl alert, read with caution)

There are many reasons for the lack of contact, the biggest being my return to work. I am giving serious consideration to employing Prof Brian Cox, renowned physicist and bit of educated crumpet, to invent a time machine. This would allow me spend all day at work, the evening training and then go back in time so I can spend the evening with the kids, homework, housework and bedtime stories, and then go back in time again and do RCGP e-portfolio and all the reading and studying that I need to do to keep up-to-date and be a safe doctor. Full time work on top of training, study, portfolio, three kids, housework and cupcake baking (now baked over 1,000 and still going) is leading to a tired and slightly grumpy Rachel. Its a good thing that I love my job, and I really really do. I loved working as a GP for six months in the south east of Sheffield, and my time at the Children's Hospital so far has been amazing. Lots of cute kids and a fab group of fellow docs who are supportive and happy to buy my cake!

So to business, how's the training going I hear you ask, very well I am pleased to say. I am up to 20 miles, and although I have to admit the last five miles feel like I am running through treacle and my muscles are stiff as a board. I am fine as long as I keep moving. Its like my body just quietly thinks to itself "she's off on one again", but if I stop for any serious length of time my body regains control and locks my knees so no further running is possible. However, I am slowly winning the battle, and so far (touching wood with all my might) I am injury free and my foot is largely holding up. So on Sunday I am running the Royal Parks Foundation Half Marathon, 13.1 miles through glorious London Parks with my wonderful friend Sonia for company. I cant wait, especially as 13 miles is now a relatively short run. I am not getting cocky, once I get over ten miles the Marsden legs start to whinge, but at least on Sunday they will only be whinging for about half an hour!

Fund raising continues to go well, I am earning between £100-£150 per bake sale and getting very nice comments about my cakes. I enjoy making them and love doing the stalls, I have even graduated to a couple of farmers markets, but as my friend Caroline pointed out to me at the last stall, I am a crap sales woman. I just cant believe that people will pay good money to buy my cakes, even though I have to say myself they do taste lovely and I am getting pretty good at the decoration now. Despite all this I still feel embarrassed to ask people to pay for my cake. I would be rubbish if I ran my own business.

So since we last spoke in April there have been many changes. I am in the market for a pay as you go inventor, I have become cake maker extraordinaire and I am in real danger of making it round 26 miles. There is also one more new thing I am delighted to tell you about.

The gorgeous baby sleeping on a knackered Rachel (I had been up until four am making the cakes for the sale and then back up at eight to finish them in time) is Indiana Michelle Savage, Born on 2nd July 2013 to ecstatic parents. This is Quinn's little sister. She is an excellent reminder of why I am adding on to an already pretty loaded schedule. Indy's parents Caroline and Nick have never been shy of singing the praises of the medical professionals who supported them and helped usher Indy safely into the world. Tommy's help support the work done by teams like the one in Sheffield, and also support parents who were once in the dark place Caroline and Nick found themselves in last year. Not only is Indy an excellent reminder of why we need to support Tommy's, she is also a symbol that no matter how impossible a goal may seem to be, it pays to never give up.

I must leave you now. I have to up at six tomorrow for a work related conference, and I have eight miles to run before bed. Its cold, wet and foggy out there, but actually, writing this blog, thinking about Quinn and looking at the picture of me and Indy has frankly left me inspired. Hand me my trainers and my reflective bobble hat, I'm going in!

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The looniness of the long distance runner

Team Little Legs is up and running again, but only just


Please be warned, this is going to be a long depressing read. Firstly, an apology, I have been gone a long time, nearly five months it would seem. This post will go some way to explaining my absence, and it will be tough writing, and possibly for some close to me, tough reading. For that I apologise, but it will be a one off, then hopefully, I will go back to prattling on about cakes, running, sore feet and Tommy's.

So five months ago the blogs and Team Little Leg facebook page updates stopped, why? because I stopped basically. In October I had begun to suspect that the post natal depression I had suffered with my previous two daughters was returning, this was confirmed when whilst watching Skyfall at the cinema, I decided that I was under surveillance, and locked Emily and myself in a toilet for thirty minutes. Thankfully I confided in my husband, and saw my GP that day, and was referred to urgent psychiatric care. I was started on medication and managed to struggle on for a while, but things weren't right, I wasn't eating, I wasn't sleeping and was finding it harder and harder to train. I isolated myself from my friends and family and the Christmas fair almost fell apart. Thankfully it was a success and it would seem that it had been the thing keeping me going, making me so exhausted that my body had to sleep, and ensuring that I stayed in contact with other people. But once it was over, I crashed.  Sleep stopped altogether, I began to have wild idea's, became unbelievably paranoid, completely devoid of feeling. I wanted nothing to do with my friends, my family or my husband and children. I didn't wash, didn't go out and had no motivation. The happy, confident friendly and motivated Rachel slowly slipped away and left behind a shadow of a women who was less use than a chocolate fireguard. All I could do was crochet and stare at the walls. All this however paled into insignificance compared to the suicidal thoughts which utterly dominated my mind. It was simple, I was a failure, a bad person, and everybody would be better off with me out of the picture. I rationalised it with the cold reasoning that a doctor would, I even managed to convince myself that it wouldn't be too bad for Chris and the girls, my parents, siblings and friends. I picked a method, a date and put my finances in order. Then two things happened. My brilliant psychiatric team recognised that I was seriously at risk, and realised that my lowest ebs and darkest thoughts came in the early hours of the morning, when I lay awake unable to sleep. They gave me a stark choice, sleeping pills or admission for my own protection, basically if I didn't sleep, they wanted me to be with them. I agreed to start sleeping tablets and after a couple of days, there was a slight difference, and I began to feel a little better. Then the final saving grace came, Caroline told me she was pregnant. Now as you will remember all my fund raising was in memory of Caroline's lost little boy, and I was so delighted that they were now pregnant again. Then I did some mental maths, my date for ending it all came before Caroline was past the 12 week "safe" stage, and would the shock of me ending my life (I wasn't naive enough to think that people wouldn't be upset, this worried me a great deal) cause a miscarriage, I simply couldn't take that risk. It would seem that although my depressed mind was willing to destroy the lives of my children, my husband, my family and my close friends, it drew the line at ending a life that hadn't even begun yet. So I decided to put everything back, and the more I slept, the more I rested and the more medication I took, the more exercise and crocheting I did, I began to recover. Although I was and still am depressed, I began to feel normal again, I began to feel and more importantly think like me again, and I really didn't want to go anywhere. I love my life, I love my husband, my children, I adore my family and enjoy my job. I wanted to be here to enjoy it. I slowly began to do more and crochet less and I began to run again.

So less depressed, more energy, but there was a problem. During the lowest point of my depression I missed a lot of training. I looked at my training schedule and realised I was seven weeks behind. So what did I do, did I follow all the running magazines and the London Marathons training guides advice and build up again slowly after my gap, increasing weekly mileage by no more than 10% and taking care to stretch to avoid injury, or did I jump straight back in and attempt to run 30 miles a week straight off. Unfortunately I did the latter, and after five weeks of running I started to get a pain in my right foot. Things progressed and I eventually sought medical advice, and had my worse fears confirmed. Three weeks ago an xray of my right foot showed bone healing indicative of a stress fracture, a very common injury in people who increase their mileage too quickly. I had to make a decision, did I carry on to the marathon, and risk further injury, or did I pull out and carry my place over to next year. So yesterday I went to the London Marathon, but only as a spectator. I was heartbroken, and although I know I made the right decision, my foot is only just healed and the reduction in mileage that allowed my foot to heal meant that I was no where near ready, I still feel like a failure, and that hurts.

But its not all doom and gloom, lets end on a high note shall we. Tommy's have carried my entry over to next year, with no additional fund raising. Even without the sponsorship I have raised over £1,500 and I am so proud of that. My fracture has healed well and yesterday I ran for 40 mins without pain. I am having a few sessions with a fab personal trainer, who is helping me stretch and build up muscle strength to stop future fractures. Finally I am sure this is what you want to know. Caroline is now 29 weeks pregnant, with a little girl. I cant describe how chocked up I feel when I see her ever growing bump. Maybe its because I know how hard they have worked, the pain they have gone through and the pain they are risking again to get to this point, or maybe its because I know that that little girl played a part in me still being here. Thanks Little Miss Savage.

So here we go again, one year till marathon day...wish me luck!!!